A Little Crazy - the play
AVRAM MORDECAI SALTZMAN, age 84, was born in Poland. A jazz and klezmer musician, he came to America when he was 18, has seen much of life, and is perfectly willing to tell you about it. He deals with the twists of life through humor and very old stories. As the play opens, Avram is living in a retirement home in South Florida.
HARRY BRONSKI, a lawyer in his mid-30’s, is Avram's great-nephew. He lives alone in Manhattan, and has never been very successful in relationships. He's solid, a little stiff, enjoys Avram's sense of humor but doesn't always appreciate his lack of seriousness.
When Avram finds out he is very ill, he calls Harry and asks if he can return to New York and stay with him.
***
Act One: A Man is Sitting in a Doctor's Office. An apartment in Manhattan, present day, wherein we meet Avram and his nephew Harry, and are acquainted with clothes, Uncle Rifke, several stories concerning trumpets, Annie, and Avram's "condition".
Act Two: Her Head was Perfectly Normal. Same apartment, about a week later, where we discover the trouble with Seth, life in Lubin, and the Tale of Kopf.
Act Three: You Can't have Too Much Cake, and other truths.
A LITTLE CRAZY pages 6-11
AVRAM
(to audience)
So I leave you should pardon the expression a hellhole, and come to spend my last days on Earth to live with my only nephew Chaim. You never know from life. One minute you're a young
man, you have a dream, family, friends. The world you hold in your hand like a, a, peach. Big bites you take, with juice running on your face — You, World, I swallow you up! Nothing can
hurt me (pause) Chaim, what's that word means nothing can hurt you?
HARRY
Indestructible?
AVRAM
INDESTRUCTIBLE! Too bad, when you finish the biting and the swallowing, what you got left is the pit. Avram and Chaim. Sounds like a TV show, only it should be
funny.
Lights full. AVRAM walks over to chair and sits. There is a clear plastic slipcover on the chair. It squeaks; Avram reacts.
HARRY
Okay, I left a message at work that I wouldn’t be in today, the doctor's office will call back — don't look at me that way, Uncle, I'm taking you to my doctor
so someone will tell me what's wrong, you certainly won't.
AVRAM
I'll tell you what's wrong. Nothing, that's what's wrong. I'm simply dying. You would think an 87-year-old man —
HARRY
Eighty-four.
AVRAM
An 84-year-old man would have the right to die should he feel like it. This is America.
HARRY
(reacting to looks and gestures from Avram)
Of all the old — elderly — ancient, what, what should I call you?
AVRAM
I like the word geriatric. It has a nice ring to it, plus I have no idea what it means.
HARRY
Fine, of all the geriatric individuals I have known, you are the least likely to shuffle off this mortal coil without a doozy of a fight. So, let me guess.
Your heart. No? Your lungs, they're black from years of being in jazz clubs. The retirement home took a contract out on you.
AVRAM
(blowing through his lips)
Ppffttt, they wish ...
HARRY
Don’t tell me. Be that way. You want something to eat?
AVRAM
Oy, it was such a bumpy plane ride, who could eat? I'm fine, maybe a nosh later ... I just recently finished a peach. You know, always you should have a
window. You have a chair, you have a window. You don't see the world go by, Chaim, it goes by without you.
Harry slides over a plain wooden chair. Whenever Avram sits in the good chair, Harry is resigned to grab the plain chair.
HARRY
I had a chair once. It was very nice. Did you have a good nap at least?
AVRAM
After such a plane ride, who could sleep —
HARRY
I stuck my head in three times and asked if you wanted some tea. You never moved.
AVRAM
Well — who could sleep well, you should let a person finish a sentence.
HARRY
Okay, I'll let you finish. How about finishing the sentence that starts, "I called up my great-nephew at one in the morning and said I was dying, and even though he got me a ticket to
New York and he's letting me stay with him, I'm not telling him what's wrong because ..."
AVRAM
(getting up slowly)
No. No. Now you're imagining things. Ten, ten-thirty at the latest. Forgive an old man, I know when I’m not wanted. I’ll go live in the street like a bum. You notice nobody's a bum
anymore? (to audience) Like the village idiot — everybody walking around with those little telephones, talking to themselves like a crazy person, how could you pick out just one idiot?
HARRY
Avram, for God’s sake. Look, I'm a law school graduate ... I know how to read a clock. I realize our family isn't the most sharing and forthright in the world,
but this is a little more important than the time you said burglars stole your false teeth when you actually lost them playing canasta. Now, who says you're dying?
AVRAM
A gentleman never discusses a gambling debt. When your mama was a little girl, back when we lived in New Jersey - Gotteniu, why did we ever live in New Jersey
- she told everybody she was Italian, so people would consider her exotic. Say what you want about this family, Chaim, but we are never boring.
HARRY
Who says you're dying?
AVRAM
The problem, or so I am told, is the liver. (whispering) The cancer. A loch in kopf. A very popular item, I understand, but better I should have maybe a
popular rash or some not-so-well-known sinus condition, not that I don't already have. But my doctor, who is you should pardon the expression a Goyim, a Cuban, which is not a bad thing,
you should only know, says I don't have much time. In case you should care.
HARRY
(sits in the chair)
In case I should care? How can you say that? Of course I care. Who cares more than me? I call you every week, I'm giving you my own bed ... oh, wait, I get it, this is one of those
"I'll take your help but I don’t really need it" pride things. You don’t fool me, Avram ... not for long, anyway. And we don’t see Frances taking you in, who just happens to live just a
few hours away in St. Petersburg, now do we?
AVRAM
Thank you Mister District Attorney. Frances — who just happens to have three children — visited me once a month. Brought them to see me — children of which I
don’t see you having any, by the way. Children who, unfortunately, had a smell worse than Mrs. Finkel down the hall who had what we used to call a wetness problem. Them you expect me to
live with? No thank you. I'll get my bags, there might be a room at the YMHA. I'll say I'm a visiting student, eighteen, from Minnesota. They'll never know.
HARRY
Sometimes I have no idea when you're being serious ...
AVRAM
Serious? I'm dying, like in death, maybe you've heard of it? You know, when all your body parts get together and say that's it, cover up the herring, the party
is over! I will admit I am sometimes entertaining at social occasions, but Ladies and Gentlemen, Avram Mordecai Saltzman, a real jokester who will now die for you — that funny, I'm not.
HARRY
I'm getting you to the doctor as soon as possible, regardless of what you've been told. I don’t suppose you got a second opinion ...
AVRAM
(wandering around the room)
So, you're what, a lawyer?
HARRY
Yes, Uncle. I've been a lawyer for ten years. You ask me that question every time we talk.
AVRAM
Things change, I always wonder. Pardon me for wondering, with this look I'm getting. But why is it that you don't become — oh, I don't know, a Doctor maybe?
HARRY
(laughing)
Because, maybe, I spent a lot of years studying to be a lawyer, that's why.
AVRAM
There's still time, you young.
HARRY
You don't just stop being a lawyer and become a doctor.
AVRAM
Your cousin Sheldon stopped being a garage mechanic and took up plumbing. True story. Happens a lot. Or so I am told.
HARRY
Why do I talk to you?
AVRAM
Because, I am your favorite Uncle. Because I am your only Uncle. And because I have a liver the size of a turkey. With feathers.
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