TABLE ONE: BILL AND SANDI
Curtain. Lights come up on three tables in an all-night diner/pancake house. CARLY, RAY and DARRYL are already sitting at Table 3, stage right. BILL and SANDI walk over and sit at Table 1, stage left. CELESTE shows JAMES and SAM to Table 2, center stage, gives them menus, then heads for Table 1.
Music is playing in the background. It plays throughout the entire play, repeated three times.
Action focuses on Table 1.
Celeste walks over to table, stands behind, facing downstage.
CELESTE:
So, what can I get you?
Sandi and Bill start talking at the same time, three times. Sandi gives Bill a look to say, me first. She makes a show of opening the menu.
SANDI:
I would like … uhm … tea. A cup of tea … do you have any herb teas? I know you usually don’t, but I thought I'd ask, y'know, sometimes you get different things, like I see you have
potato pancakes, you never had those before. Do you put syrup on them, or ketchup? That would be funny, wouldn’t it … ketchup on pancakes. You could have one of those glass syrup
pourers — what do you call those? — but you'd have like ketchup in it. Actually that would be kind of gross, all these vampire kids eating red dripping pancakes … eww …
CELESTE:
Really, sweetie, take your time, I've only been here ten hours, what's another three or four?
SANDI:
Yes, tea. A cup of tea. Peppermint if you have it, which you probably don’t ... I don’t like caffeine, it makes me all scattered —
CELESTE:
(muttering)
Imagine that ...
SANDI:
But if you do that would be lovely. And that's all, thank you. Bill?
BILL:
(staring at her, like he's watching a car crash)
You done? That's all you're having … you sure? Jeezus. Okay. Hi, how are ya ... One of these, no grits.
CELESTE:
Which one?
BILL:
(pointing to the menu):
This one. This. This one, home fries, no grits.
CELESTE:
(falsely perky)
Do you mean the "Happy To Be Alive Super Duper Twooper Scooper Special" with two scoops of rich creamery butter?
BILL:
No, this one. Eggs, bacon, home fries, toast, no grits. This one. (to Sandi) What are you laughing at?
SANDI:
Oh, just say it, Bill. It's what you always order, why don’t you just say it?
BILL:
Because I …
SANDI:
It would take so much less time to just read it off the menu, then she'll know what you want. That's why they come up with those cute names, y'know.
BILL:
I'll starve first. I will.
CELESTE:
(smirking)
Come on, sweetie, say it …
BILL:
(to Celeste)
You're enjoying this, aren't you? I'm not going to … I … hell, bring me the "Sunnyside's Bright on my Ol' Kentucky Home" with extra bourbon-smoked bacon and I hope I choke on it —
SANDI:
Bill!
CELESTE:
That’s one tea. One eggs, bacon, home fries, toast. No grits. Be right out.
Celeste steps back, bumps into RAY, who is going out to his car. She drops her pad and the paperback book she was leaning on.
CELESTE:
Oops, sorry. Sorry. I'm trying to do too many things at once today.
SANDI:
Ooo, what are you reading?
CELESTE:
Casablanca. It's old. From the movie?
BILL:
(shyly avoiding Celeste's eye)
That's good … not the book I mean, I mean it's good that you read —
CELESTE:
Gee, I'm so glad you approve.
BILL:
Not the Casa-whatever part I didn’t mean that, what a stupid name …
Celeste uses her pen to push aside Bill's shirt to reveal a band name on his t-shirt.
CELESTE:
What's that say?
BILL:
Puddle of Mudd (pause) What?
SANDI:
I love movies … that whole Harry Potter thing is like so intense. How many times have you read this book?
CELESTE:
I think five, at least, it's my favorite ... but how did you know?
SANDI:
Because it's an old-looking book, you've got what I guess is your name written on the end of the pages, and you have your place marked with a dollar bill. You wouldn’t do that if you
were going to throw it away.
CELESTE:
Hey, not bad ... you could be a detective or something. I'll get your order in. (exits)
BILL:
(watches her leave)
I think you'd have to pass math first to be a detective.
SANDI:
Yoohoo, I'm over here ... and don’t start that again. There are some things I'm good at and math isn't one of them, that's all.
BILL:
It could be if you studied. You can do anything you want if you try hard enough. I'm working two jobs and taking extra courses so I can get into a good school … How are you ever going
to get to college?
SANDI:
Maybe I don’t want to. Maybe the stuff your dad wants you to do isn't right for everyone else in the world, Bill. My mom says you can't teach an eagle to sit on a canary perch. Unless
it's a really big perch. Or a really tiny eagle.
BILL:
We weren’t talking about eagles ... uhm, were we?
SANDI:
Oh, but we should, they're so lovely, with those beautiful feathers and those big yellow beaks. And I love the way they talk!
BILL:
Eagles? Eagles don’t talk. See, this is why you need to go to school, Sandi. My father says you are judged by what you know in life. And as I'm constantly being told, I don’t know
anything ... so what chance do you have?
SANDI:
I know what I know. In fact, Billy, I know what I know better than you know what I know, so its no use saying I'm ignorant, just because I'm not going to some college somewhere.
College doesn’t teach you how to be a happy person.
BILL:
No, but at least you'll be educated.
SANDI:
So I'd be smart enough to know I was miserable? No thanks.
MUSIC: "Misty"
SANDI:
I love these old songs ... hmm-mm. (singing off-key) "Something something me, I'm as helpless as a chicken up a tree" ... Sing to me, Billy.
BILL:
What? Sing ... I can't sing. I don’t sing.
SANDI:
You could if you tried hard enough.
BILL:
Funny, very funny.
Ray reappears in background, stops to talk to Celeste.
BILL:
Jeezus, look at him ... What the hell is that outfit supposed to be?
SANDI:
Who, him? That's a great outfit ... you should wear stuff like that.
BILL:
(laughing)
Oh yeah, and would you visit me in the looney bin if I do?
Bill turns to look at Ray again, to find that he is looking back, with a decidedly evil grin. Bill turns away and ducks his head to the table.
During Sandi's next speech, Bill slowly nods off, first closing his eyes, then slumping sideways, finally putting his head on the table and falling asleep. Sandi is either used to this, or doesn’t notice, but continues talking.
SANDI:
Well, I'm sorry, but I think you'd look good. Do you like these shoes? I went with my Mom to that place near the mall, you know, the one that says "half off" in the window? Except,
when you go in it's not really half price like you think it is — although I did wonder if that meant you only get one shoe. That would be great for people who only have like one foot,
they wouldn’t have to buy a whole pair of shoes and keep one of them in the closet. That would really add up I bet, this whole closet full of left shoes — unless, and this would be
really cool, unless they could go with somebody who was like missing the other foot, and then they could share! Y'know imagine, there could be this service that matched people up for
shoes, and socks, and gloves. And like people with no necks, they could save a fortune by buying turtleneck sweaters and selling the collars to priests, which would be good for them
because I bet they’re really poor. Priests, I mean, not guys with no necks.
Ray walks by, stands and stares at the sleeping Bill for a moment, then turns to Sandi and brightens.
RAY:
Hey there, sweet stuff. Your boyfriend's got an unfortunate sense of humor, he should watch who he's laughing at. He's a little worse for wear, no?
SANDI:
Oh, that's Billy. We've been going out for two … no wait (counts on fingers, slowly) one, two — Three, three weeks. And every time we go out he falls asleep at 2:15. No matter what
we're doing — watching a movie, doing anything … 2:15, he's out like a bulb.
RAY:
A light.
SANDI:
No, sorry, I don’t smoke.
RAY:
Okay ... Damn, you are cute though. You got one of those for me?
Sandi hands Ray a sugar packet. He rips the top off and both of them slowly, sharing the tease, dip their fingers in and put it to their mouths, grinning. Sandi giggles and bounces in her seat.
Ray turns to walk away. DARRYL walks by.
DARRYL:
Hey man, where the hell have you been? It's hard enough picking the right time to talk to Carly without waiting for you to magically reappear.
RAY:
Look, if you expect me to help you break up with my best friend, forget it. I told you I wouldn’t say anything, but …
DARRYL:
Yeah yeah, whatever. I gotta go to the can.
Ray leaves in one direction, Darryl in the other.
SANDI:
(talking to Bill, who is still asleep)
He was cute. So it turns out you have to buy one pair of shoes at regular price, and then you get half-price on another pair, so it's not half-off, it's only like 25-percent off, which
isn't such a good deal after all. But these were really cute, so I bought them anyway, and Mom got a hat, which didn’t count. Anyway, like I was telling you, my mom lost her keys for
real today. Every day, my mom puts the groceries down on the lawn chairs out front, y'know. She stands there in the yard on one leg, opens her purse on her knee and digs down to the
bottom to look for the keys — She can never find them, which I always thought was kind of funny because she just drove home for God's sake. Why doesn’t she put all her keys in the same
place, like I do? Really, I mean I still have the keys from our house when we lived in Ohio, and I'm not even sure I know where Ohio is. And I was, what — four? Why did I have keys?
Where was I going by myself? So she stands there on one foot like a flamingo, and just flings things, there's lipsticks and like little pieces of paper on the lawn ... And then,
finally, she finds her keys — usually in her coat pocket — and then she (pause) goes inside. Just like that, and the bags of groceries are still there, on the lawn chairs. We have
these big chairs, you've seen them, not the foldie ones you sit on, but those long white plastic ones you lie down on. I hate them. (slowly becoming introspective) Most of my life they
were bigger than I was, those white plastic lawn chairs, stretched out baking in the sun like bleached sofa skeletons, washed up on the patio from this flat ocean of our front lawn.
You never think about it, really, but all these plastic chairs, that we leave out in the rain and the cold, burnt by the sun and out all alone in the night, they're made from plastic,
from the blood and bones of dead dinosaurs — if we left people outside like that, people we loved ... if I left you outside like that ... if you put me outside ... (She reaches over
and touches his hand, sticking out from under his head, outstretched on the table) We'd be criminals. We'd lose who we were, left out in the dark and the cold. We'd stop being
dinosaurs, and we'd turn into forgotten dead things, with nobody remembering our names or who we were ... we'd turn into bones, out in the night.
She pauses, looks at Bill, withdraws her hand, sighs, giggles.
SANDI:
(back to normal)
This one time, I was picking up the grocery bags and I looked down through the chair, and there was a picture of us, my family I mean, underneath, that fell out of her purse. I could
see my Mom and my brother and me inside the ribs of this dead dinosaur couch fossil, and it like freaked me out. "I don’t wanna be eaten by a chair," I screamed, and the bag fell over
and all our stuff rolled out on the lawn and I couldn’t get myself to pick it up so I went inside and I think the dog ate our dinner. Which was too bad, because it was frozen pizza,
which I like. So I had to go make her more keys this afternoon, that's why I was late. I wonder how long the food will take?
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